BEGINNING WITH HIM … OCTOBER, 2008
A note from doug:
From time to time, at the beginning of the month, I like to send out a compilation message of various items I…ve accumulated over time. This month I selected various submittals to the Church Humor section of the E-Mail Ministry website. So, here goes…
* * *
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin aged 5, and Ryan, aged 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
* * *
Little Johnny went to Sunday school one Sunday. The lesson for the day was from Genesis. “God opened up Adam’s side, took a rib from him, and created Eve from it,” was what really struck Johnny.
Later, that afternoon, Johnny started feeing sick, and his side began to hurt. He layed down on the couch, and after about half an hour, his mother came over and asked him if he was feeling okay. He said, “Not really – I think I’m gonna have a wife.”
* * *
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what’s wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, “The word is celebrate.”
* * *
There once was a Church Nursery that felt it was still more economical to use cloth diapers over disposeable. The problem soon arose however, that they had trouble getting people to remember to return the laundered diapers and even more trouble getting them to return the plastic pants that went around them, so they ordered a stamp with the Church name on it. They figured no one would want to be seen using plastic pants with the Church name plastered on them.
When the new stamp arrived, the Nursery Director asked the church Secretary if she would please stamp the new plastic pants. The Secretary was doing the bookkeeping that same day, and accidentally picked up the wrong stamp. The next Sunday, the Nursery Volunteers pulled out the new pants to find “FOR DEPOSIT ONLY” stamped on them!
* * *
Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the big boys. He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.
She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?
Timmy nonchalantly replied, Yea, I know who she is.
The little friend said, Well who is she?
That’s just Shirley Goodnest, Timmy said.
Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?
Well, Timmy explained, every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.
* * *
PRAYER FOR A DEAD ROBIN
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt
Apparently, his five year old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of What he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather . . . . and unto the Sonnn . . . . and into the hole he gooooes.”
* * *
DID YOU KNOW?
Do you know why God is left handed?
Because Jesus sits on his right hand.
* * *
What would we do without church ladies and their typewriters. These stories actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
9. Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. – prayer and medication to follow.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
31. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
32. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
33. Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”
* * *
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, “Here Soap! Here Water!”
* * *
I hope you liked the selections!! Go to the E-Mail Ministry website (www.emailministry.org) to read more.
— The Staff of E-Mail Ministry
“E-Mail Ministry” is a trademark of E-Mail Ministry, Inc.